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The idea behind these taverns is that they are illegal and exist in the underground of large cities. They can be ran by thieves’ guilds, shady businessmen, corrupt officials, etc.
Patrons might be criminals, risk-takers, gamblers, thrill-seekers, adventurers, spies, bounty hunters, and so on.
Maybe your PCs have learned that their target/targets will be at one of these locales at a certain time, or maybe they have business of their own. Anyways, I hope you enjoy these three unique, illegal tavern ideas.
The Sunken Labyrinth: For an illegal, underground establishment, it is a classy place. The entrance is guarded by a pair of jet black Minotaurs (MM pg. 223) named Dolothrius and Vangrios. Entry is granted by a well-known patron’s valid invitation, or by the password of the day. The door is banded, riveted metal, and heavy. It has 18 AC and 40 HP if the PCs try to break it down. The Sunken Labyrinth is a tavern where secret meetings, negotiations, and deals can take place. Valuable information can be passed here due to a ward against scrying eyes permeating the tavern. Those who wish to enter with force will find it difficult as they will have to pass through a maze that is dark and littered with traps. Maybe your PCs have learned that their target/targets will be here at a certain time, or maybe they have business of their own here.
If the PCs have the password, or a valid invitation, they can present it to the Minotaur guards. One of the Minotaurs will walk behind a wall, obscured to the PCs, to operate a series of small levers in a specific pattern. Then, he will operate a larger main actuating lever. Once complete, a safe, straight path to the tavern proper is created.
Once the Minotaur guard finishes operating the levers (or if the PCs successfully operate the levers), the sound of sliding stone can be heard behind the door, and then the door swings open. A pathway straight into the tavern is available. The pathway goes straight through a series of walls that resemble a small labyrinth. Straying off that path could lead to danger.
If the PCs get through the metal door without operating the levers correctly, they will have to navigate the maze to reach the Sunken Labyrinth tavern. View the image of the maze and read the following numerical descriptions to see what happens at those locations. Feel free to adjust these how you see fit. Use the link to the image below to follow the descriptions.
https://imgur.com/S2sQALi
1.) A ten foot long hallway leads to the banded metal door. A DC 12 Wisdom perception check will reveal that a portcullis is embedded in the ceiling at the entrance of the hallway, and several small holes line the ceiling all the way to the door. As long as the PCs have the proper password, or a valid invitation, they can pass safely to the tavern. If the PCs attempt to operate the levers, it will require three successful skill checks. The first is a DC 17 Intelligence investigation check to study the levers and determine which levers to operate and in which order. The second skill check is a DC 17 Dexterity check to align the levers in the correct positions. The final check is a DC 15 strength check to operate the large main actuating lever.
If the PCs fail any of the skill checks, a portcullis drops down from the ceiling and traps anyone standing between the metal door and the portcullis. The portcullis can be lifted with a DC 18 Strength athletics check. Once the portcullis is dropped, poison gas (Essence of Ether pg. 258 DMG) discharges from the holes in the ceiling and fills the hallway. A DC 15 Constitution saving throw is required for any creature in the hallway. On a failure, the creature is poisoned for 8 hours and is unconscious.
2.) This area is a trapdoor pit. It requires a DC 14 Wisdom perception check, or Intelligence investigation check to notice. If activated, a DC 12 Dexterity saving throw is needed, or the creature falls 20 feet and takes 2d6 bludgeoning damage.
3.) A DC 13 Wisdom perception check or Intelligence investigation check is needed to recognize a pressure plate in the floor in this location and small holes in the eastern wall. If activated, darts shoot from the holes requiring a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw, taking 2d4 piercing damage and 1d6 poison damage on a failed save and half as much on a success.
4.) A DC 13 Wisdom perception check or Intelligence investigation check is needed to notice holes in the ceiling at this location and a pressure plate in the floor. Metallic points can be seen recessed in the holes if the light hits just right. If it goes unnoticed, a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw is needed to avoid the spikes that drop down. On a fail, a creature takes 2d6 piercing damage.
5.) At this location, a DC 13 Wisdom perception check or Intelligence investigation check will reveal a pressure plate and a narrow five foot slit/track in the floor and ceiling that runs east and west. If it goes unnoticed, when a creature activates the plate, the wall marked with arrows will slide to the west and connect to the other wall there. A creature must make a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw to avoid being shoved into a sealed room. On a fail, the creature is trapped inside. Acid pours from holes in the ceiling. A creature trapped inside will take 2d6 acid damage as there is no means to avoid it. The floor and walls are scarred from previous acid damage. A DC 15 Strength check is needed to push the wall back open. If a creature makes the save to avoid this trap, they may hear acid sizzling on the other side of the wall.
6.) At this location, a DC 15 Intelligence investigation check is needed to notice a Glyph of Warding (pg. 245 PHB) discretely inscribed on the stone floor. If triggered, a DC 15 Constitution saving throw is needed as the glyph releases a Shatter spell (pg. 275 PHB). On a fail, the creature takes 3d8 thunder damage, or half as much on a success. The Glyph of Warding spell ends once it is triggered.
7.) The walls and floors of these two marked locations are covered in mimic hide. The hide resembles the same stone used to make the walls, floors, and ceilings of the maze. It is indistinguishable. A creature that enters this area must make a DC 13 Strength saving throw or become restrained. Once restrained, a creature can continue making this saving throw at the end of each of their turns but it will be at disadvantage.
8.) Here, a DC 15 Intelligence investigation check is needed to identify a Glyph of Warding is discretely inscribed on the stone floor. If the glyph is triggered, a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw is needed to avoid the brunt of the damage of a Fireball spell (pg. 241 PHB) that is released. On a fail, a creature takes 8d6 fire damage, or half as much on a success.
9.) A DC 15 Intelligence investigation check is needed to locate a Glyph of Warding spell discretely inscribed on the stone floor. If the glyph is triggered, an Animate Dead spell is released at 5th level. At each location with a star, a corpse becomes a zombie (pg. 316 MM) and attacks the nearest living creature. On a successful Investigation check, the creature can skip over the glyph, and will discover the three rotten corpses. Nothing of value is on them.
10.) This location is concealed by an illusory wall that perfectly resembles its surroundings and appears as a dead end. A DC 15 Intelligence investigation check will reveal the illusion. Interacting with the illusory wall will also reveal it for what it is.
If the PCs reach the tavern, it is dimly lit and quiet. Tables are partitioned for privacy. Four Minotaurs work as tavern guards/bouncers here. The proprietor is a Minotaur Labyrinth Keeper (pg. 267 Creature Codex) named Lubanias the Pathfinder, who often visits his guests to make sure their needs are satisfied.
To exit, a main actuating lever within the tavern can be operated to allow safe passage once more.
Two human females (commoners) work as tavern maids. An older dwarven male (commoner) tends the bar professionally, and a half-orc male (commoner) prepares delicious meals.
This tavern can handle around 25 customers. Much more than that and privacy becomes an issue.
​
The Captive Crowd: The Captive Crowd is a highly-entertaining, albeit illegal, tavern to frequent. To enter this secretive locale, you must pay a fee of 15 GP per person to the Goliath veteran (pg. 350 MM + Stone’s Endurance), Haruul, at the door. Once the fee is paid, you are gifted thick plugs of cotton and are instructed to place them in your ears.
When the door is opened, a new patron can faintly make out singing. The tavern room is large and square. Tables line the outer edges of the tavern. The middle is open and a cage hangs from the ceiling 10 feet high off the ground. Inside, a trio of Harpies are prodded to sing. When one harpy has tired, the next one is forced to continue the song. A female half-elf swashbuckler (pg. 217 VGtE) named Jiolli prods them ruthlessly from a raised platform nearby. The harpies are not happy, and would love to shred the flesh of the bones of the people below, sometimes attempting to use their long, bird-like talons to snatch, but to no avail. Below the cage are those patrons who have removed their cotton earplugs to let the enrapturing, seductive, harpy song sweep them away, wandering like mindless zombies beneath the cage. They are lost to the world, and it would be easy to rob them blind if it weren’t for the ten vigilant enforcers (bandit captains pg. 344 MM) who keep a close eye on the charmed and uncharmed patrons.
Those who partake in the Harpy’s song do so for the pleasure they feel, and the total relaxation their bodies receive. Strangely, a side effect of being charmed by these monstrosities for a minimum of 30 minutes is like receiving 8 hours of rest.
When not ready to succumb to the song, or “take the walk” as it referred to here, the patrons maintain hearing protection. They use hand signals and written word to convey their orders from the menu, or to communicate their intentions.
One of the other things that make this tavern illegal is the menu. Imported, exotic animals can be consumed here. One might see a large constrictor snake curled up on a table - baked, sectionalized, and propped up in a pose with a non-native fruit in its mouth. A special glaze dribbled all over the fleshy serpent tenderloins, and colorful vegetables and fruits decorate the tray around it.
On another table might be a giant spider hanging from a fake web strand, flame broiled and crispy. Herbs and spices from some other land make this monster quite tasty. Don’t think you can eat spider? Let the harpy song change your mind. A few minutes in the song’s embrace can do wonders. A friend or companion will have to plug your ears when it’s time to eat to bring you back to reality, and the table.
As enrapturing as the Harpy song is, it can be much more so when certain drugs are inhaled before you “take the walk”, and of course, those drugs can be purchased here. For 15 GP more, your table can include a hookah bar. An illegally imported, mind-altering plant called Hexweed is the go-to drug to smoke here.
The owner of the Captive Crowd is the half-elf brother of Jiolli, named Simmon (master thief pg. 216 VGtE.) Jiolli and Simmon may also be members of your campaign’s thieves’ guild. Perhaps they have information your PCs need.
The rest of the employees are commoners: 5 busy tavern maids, two cooks. This tavern can hold 80 or so customers. 120 if packed.
Once you are finished here, keep your earplugs in case you want to return (and you will), or throw them away. Nobody wants to reuse those.
​
The Basilisk Den: Do your PCs like to gamble? The patrons of the Basilisk Den sure do. On the left side of the entrance to this illegal casino tavern, a statue of a frightened Halfling male holds a sign that says, “Well, that could have gone better.” A DC 12 Wisdom perception check will reveal that there are no chisel marks on this statue. Either it is from some kind of poured mold, or it was a real person. (It was a real person.)
A perceptive werewolf in human form (pg. 211 MM) named Victor stands on the other side of the entrance, taking weapons for storage. He’s good at sniffing out weapons that sneaky patrons might try to hide. Once approved, Victor can give the “knock” that signals entry is granted.
Upon entry, it is immediately noted that statues are a common theme throughout the tavern, even up on the 2nd and 3rd floors. They are all in strange, awkward poses. Some with expressions of fear, some surprise, and some with defiance. Some are falling backwards, others on the ground appearing to crawl away from something, some standing in a fighting stance, and strangely, one of them is simply smiling.
All sorts of gambling, and games of chance take place here. Cards, dominoes, bone dice, ten-finger pinfinger (game where you stab a knife between your ten fingers five times as fast as possible, switching the blade from hand to hand), you name it, it’s here. Musicians play upbeat music to liven the atmosphere. But, when the song changes to a slow, yet intense tune, the crowd knows that someone is about to Face the Basilisk. It’s a game of chance that is exactly what the name describes. People from all walks of life come to take this challenge. It is a high risk, high reward game. Pay 50 GP, receive 5 times that if you succeed. But if you fail, you, a friend, or family member better have at least 500 GP for a cleric to restore you back to your fleshy self. If not, you will become a permanent fixture at this fine establishment.
When someone is ready to Face the Basilisk, the music begins playing, alerting the patrons of what is about to happen. As the challenger approaches the Basilisk enclosure, the music intensifies, and the crowd gathers, positioned in such a way to not be in the Basilisk’s view. The basilisk handler slides open a hatch, revealing the monster behind bars, but plenty visible nonetheless. The challenger must make a DC 12 Constitution saving throw or become petrified (they don’t get a second chance in this instance). The music comes to a crescendo then either becomes celebratory, or melancholy depending on the outcome. Should a contestant have second thoughts and avert their eyes, they forfeit their money.
There are those on their last leg who scrounge up all that they own to get the coin and gamble it all on this game of chance. There are those who are rich, and can afford to lose, and also afford to be restored afterwards. There are adventurers who have faced these beasts in the wild, and aren’t afraid to do it in this setting. There are statues everywhere.
The owner of the Basilisk Den is a cambion (pg. 36 MM) named Heridan, disguised as a handsome human named Brint Valotriss. He walks the floors, checking on his guests, sometimes offering a free round of drinks to certain tables, or dropping a silver or two on a table to help “up” a patron’s bet. He basks in the chaos and misery his casino tavern brings, but also gets a kick out of those who strike it big.
There are eight bar maids (commoners) who serve the customers their food and drink, four cooks (commoners), two bartenders (commoners), and twenty floormen (thugs pg. 350) who patrol the tavern watching for cheaters. The floormen are supervised by a large half-orc (veteran pg. 350 MM + Relentless Endurance) known as The Green Ox. Some call him “Grox” for short. He’s starting to come around to that name.
The Basilisk Den can hold up to 250 customers. 300 if packed.

Hello,
I'm by no means a pro at gambling, in fact, this week has been the first week I've played casino games and I was looking to make some money so I took advantage of some new customer offers, I won money on coral and bet victor and they sent me the money straight away without any fuss.
However, 32 red which I won in excess of £300 on, are now asking me to send a selfie with a newspaper? And are telling me they can't complete the withdrawl because I requested it over PayPal (which I didn't) and they have also locked me out of my account. I'm using samsung pass to sign in which is linked to my only username, which I've never changed and my only password, which I've also never changed and I've written it down and its is 100% the correct password it says "something looks wrong" on the website, the timing of this seems quite convenient.
I'm presuming that if you turned up to a bookies after winning in excess of £300 and they refused to let you in the building it would be illegal, that's pretty much what's happening here. I cant even get in contact with them without signing in.
Any advice would be appreciated
Thanks in advance.

Trade season is universally beloved in sports because it is the ultimate marriage of opinion and creativity for sports. Typically, sports talk is limited to ‘what-if’s that are so abstract and variable that’s it’s too difficult for even the most articulate of people to describe their vision. For example, “the Celtics would be better if Marcus Smart shot less three-pointers” is an opinion someone can have, but trying to account for what that would look like on a basketball court is very difficult. We’ve never seen a Marcus Smart that was shy about not shooting three pointers, so to imagine what that player would look like (and by extension to visualize that new player making an impact) is not only difficult but also uninteresting. We know Marcus Smart will likely never be shy about taking three-pointers so the unreality of that situation makes debating or imagining that idea seem more bland and less worth thinking about.
Trade ideas are an exploration in possible realities. Other teams’ players are fungible, unlike imagining what our players would be like if they were different. It’s much more easy to see a new player affecting a team’s composition than the changes of current Celtics player. If you say, “I think the Celtics should trade for Hassan Whiteside”, people understand that and are way more interested in it than “I think Kelly Olynyk should start focusing on getting blocks” because it’s a scenario that has so much more reality to it. It gives everyone a clear vision of the changes you are looking for, because the players you are talking about actually exist. All that’s left to do is to debate what will happen to them when exposed to the miasma of “team chemistry”.
Trade season is fun, because it gives us a chance to show other people our vision of the team in an intellectually currency that makes sense to everyone. Even more so, it allows us to express something of ourselves in the medium of sports; an opportunity to communicate a little bit of our values and thoughts to other people. Really it’s one of the more creative forms of communication that sports talk has.
So with that said, the point of an appealing trade is how it fits into reality. You need to be able to peel back the curtain and show people a different reality where Cell murdered Trunks and stole the time machine, Rick didn’t Cronenberg the world, and CJ McCollum got flipped for Avery Bradley and picks. The sky just can’t be green. What makes a trade great is when you can place the trace paper reality of a deal over the backing of real world and it mostly fits. So let’s take a look at what the ‘real world’ looks like.

Player	2016-2017	2017-2018	2018-2019	2019-2020
Al Horford	$26,540,100	$27,734,405	$28,928,709	$30,123,014 (PO)
Amir Johnson	$12,000,000	$15,600,000 (CH)
Tyler Zeller	$8,000,000	$8,000,000 (NG)	$12,000,000 (CH)
Avery Bradley	$8,269,663	$8,808,989	$13,213,484 (CH)
Isaiah Thomas	$6,587,132	$6,261,395	$9,392,093 (CH)
Jae Crowder	$6,286,408	$6,796,117	$7,305,825	$7,815,533
Jonas Jerebko	$5,000,000	$9,500,000 (CH)
Jaylen Brown	$4,743,000	$4,956,480	$5,169,960 (TO)	$6,534,829 (TO)
Marcus Smart	$3,578,880	$4,538,020	$13,614,060 (CH)
Kelly Olynyk	$3,094,013	$9,282,039 (CH)
Terry Rozier	$1,906,440	$1,988,520	$3,050,390 (TO)	$9,151,170 (CH)
James Young	$1,825,200	$2,803,507 (CH)
Demetrius Jackson	$1,450,000	$1,384,750 (NG)	$1,544,951 (NG)	$1,676,735 (TO)
Jordan Mickey	$1,223,653	$1,471,382 (NG)	$1,600,520 (TO)	$3,040,988 (CH)
R.J. Hunter (waived)	$1,200,240
Gerald Green	$980,431	$1,471,382 (CH)
Ben Bentil (waived)	$250,000
Guerschon Yabusele		$2,247,468	$2,348,484	$2,449,638 (TO)
Ante Zizic		$1,645,236	$1,719,204	$1,793,310 (TO)
2017 Pick #3		$5,645,442	$5,899,500	$6,153,420 (TO)
2018 Pick #10			$3,164,202	$3,306,618
2018 Pick #27			$1,473,426	$1,539,804
2019 Pick #18				$2,172,672
2019 Pick #27				$1,525,038
Total	$92,935,160	$120,135,132	$105,787,180	$68,738,637
Cap Projection	$94,143,000	$103,000,000	$105,000,000	$106,000,000
Current Space	$1,207,840	-$17,135,132	-$787,180	$37,261,363

PO = Player Option, TO = Team Option, NG = Non-Guaranteed Money, CH = Cap Hold
You’ve probably taken a look at this and thought, woah, the Celtics are 16M over the cap? Well, technically because of what’s known as cap holds. Cap holds are the counter-balance to teams having ‘Bird Rights’ on their own free agents. Cap holds take up cap space until the team either “renounces” these Bird Rights (effectively stating, we won’t be resigning this player in a way that makes us go over the salary cap) or resigns the player.
I’ve included the cap holds for all of the Celtics free agents here, but many of them will almost certainly be renounced. A more accurate portrayal is listed below, with this year’s cap holds renounced (except for Kelly Olynyk who is a restricted free agent) and Tyler Zeller 2018 Cap hold pulled because he will likely be waived for cap purposes if he’s still on the team this offseason.

Player	2016-2017	2017-2018	2018-2019	2019-2020
Al Horford	$26,540,100	$27,734,405	$28,928,709	$30,123,014 (PO)
Amir Johnson	$12,000,000
Tyler Zeller	$8,000,000	$8,000,000 (NG)
Avery Bradley	$8,269,663	$8,808,989	$13,213,484 (CH)
Isaiah Thomas	$6,587,132	$6,261,395	$9,392,093 (CH)
Jae Crowder	$6,286,408	$6,796,117	$7,305,825	$7,815,533
Jonas Jerebko	$5,000,000
Jaylen Brown	$4,743,000	$4,956,480	$5,169,960 (TO)	$6,534,829 (TO)
Marcus Smart	$3,578,880	$4,538,020	$13,614,060 (CH)
Kelly Olynyk	$3,094,013	$9,282,039 (CH)
Terry Rozier	$1,906,440	$1,988,520	$3,050,390 (TO)	$9,151,170 (CH)
James Young	$1,825,200
Demetrius Jackson	$1,450,000	$1,384,750 (NG)	$1,544,951 (NG)	$1,676,735 (PO)
Jordan Mickey	$1,223,653	$1,471,382 (PO)	$1,600,520 (PO)	$3,040,988 (CH)
R.J. Hunter (waived)	$1,200,240
Gerald Green	$980,431
Ben Bentil (waived)	$250,000
Guerschon Yabusele		$2,247,468	$2,348,484	$2,449,638 (TO)
Ante Zizic		$1,645,236	$1,719,204	$1,793,310 (TO)
2017 Pick #3		$5,645,442	$5,899,500	$6,153,420 (TO)
2018 Pick #10			$3,164,202	$3,306,618
2018 Pick #27			$1,473,426	$1,539,804
2019 Pick #18				$2,172,672
2019 Pick #27				$1,525,038
Total	$92,935,160	$90,760,243	$93,787,180	$68,738,637
Cap Projection	$94,143,000	$103,000,000	$105,000,000	$106,000,000
Current Space	$1,207,840	$12,239,757	$11,212,820	$37,261,363

Renounce the rights to Kelly Olynyk and waive Tyler Zeller before his money guarantees, and the cap sheet looks like this.

Player	2016-2017	2017-2018	2018-2019	2019-2020
Al Horford	$26,540,100	$27,734,405	$28,928,709	$30,123,014 (PO)
Amir Johnson	$12,000,000
Tyler Zeller	$8,000,000
Avery Bradley	$8,269,663	$8,808,989	$13,213,484 (CH)
Isaiah Thomas	$6,587,132	$6,261,395	$9,392,093 (CH
Jae Crowder	$6,286,408	$6,796,117	$7,305,825	$7,815,533
Jonas Jerebko	$5,000,000
Jaylen Brown	$4,743,000	$4,956,480	$5,169,960 (TO)	$6,534,829 (TO)
Marcus Smart	$3,578,880	$4,538,020	$13,614,060 (CH)
Kelly Olynyk	$3,094,013
Terry Rozier	$1,906,440	$1,988,520	$3,050,390	$9,151,170 (CH)
James Young	$1,825,200
Demetrius Jackson	$1,450,000	$1,384,750 (NG)	$1,544,951 (NG)	$1,676,735 (TO)
Jordan Mickey	$1,223,653	$1,471,382 (NG)	$1,600,520 (TO)	$3,040,988 (CH)
R.J. Hunter (waived)	$1,200,240
Gerald Green	$980,431
Ben Bentil (waived)	$250,000
Guerschon Yabusele		$2,247,468	$2,348,484	$2,449,638 (TO)
Ante Zizic		$1,645,236	$1,719,204	$1,793,310 (TO)
2017 Pick #3		$5,645,442	$5,899,500	$6,153,420 (TO)
2018 Pick #10			$3,164,202	$3,306,618
2018 Pick #27			$1,473,426	$1,539,804
2019 Pick #18				$2,172,672
2019 Pick #27				$1,525,038
Total	$92,935,160	$73,478,204	$93,787,180	$68,738,637
Cap Projection	$94,143,000	$103,000,000	$105,000,000	$106,000,000
Current Space	$1,207,840	$29,521,796	$11,212,820	$37,261,363
1-6 Year Max	$22,168,004	$25,750,000	$26,250,000	$26,500,000
7-9 Year Max	$26,601,605	$30,900,000	$31,500,000	$31,800,000
10 Year Max	$31,035,206	$36,050,000	$36,750,000	$37,100,000

Some disclaimers and assumptions about this numbers.

• Rookie scales deals from the 2018-2019 season on will be subject to a new rookie scale that has not been reported yet. Current numbers are using old rookie scale numbers with reported changes for 2017-2018.
• All draft picks, (including this year’s Net’s pick) are estimated based on where they will fall. A higher pick would denote higher salary by the rookie scale.
• This assumes both Zizic and Yabusele will come over next year which is not a given.
• Cap Projections (particularly those of later years) will likely increased with reported expanded definitions of BRI which is used to calculate cap numbers.

Think of the cap sheet as a the framework of the reality, and now think about what you think the team’s goals should be going forward. Some good questions to start figuring out where you might stand…

Should the Celtics give Isaiah Thomas (Possibly ALL-NBA this year) a maximum contract when he is 29 years old?

Probably the best place to start is what will be the most emotional discussion of the Celtics’ future. Where does Isaiah Thomas fit in and how much will he be worth? The future tense of that question is important because there is no doubt that 2015-2017 Isaiah Thomas is worthy of a maximum player contract. He is the engine that makes the Celtics go and somehow got better even when self-proclaimed experts (shuffles nervously) picked him as a regression candidate. Beyond that, Thomas is the emotional bedrock of a fanbase. We as fans love IT and the feeling seems to be mutual. To callously reduce the emotional value of that player attachment to dollar and year figures not only feels basic, but gross. Cheering for laundry is no fun, and everyone wants a world where IT continues an improbable HOF career here well into his 30s. If you are someone who sees that path forward, you want to batten down the salary cap hatches and take care of business before he hits FA in 2018.
However, there’s another camp that might point out that Isaiah Thomas is 5’9” and needs to rely on his athleticism more than perhaps anyone in the league to get shots off. Additionally, players who have a strange quirks like this to their game tend to be hit the hardest by crossing the threshold into 30. The Celtics are positioned to have a young core going forward with plenty of draft picks, and putting more help around Isaiah will likely require cuts from that incoming youth. A misstep by doubling-down on an ineffective Thomas would not only destroy the Celtics cap space going forward, but likely eliminate most of the sizable advantages granted by the Nets picks. The Celtics have hit the threshold of the rebuild where the way forward is too murky for a consensus, and incorrect moves are much more punishing than good moves are helpful. If you see IT’s situation more this way, you might be thinking more about flexibility and maybe even trading him while his value is high.
Were Isaiah Thomas a free agent last year or this year, this decision might have been simpler than it will be next year. Who knows? Maybe Thomas will continue to improve and the decision will be taken from the Celtics’ hands. But the path forward requires some decisions to be made this offseason, and that requires predicting what you think you are going to do with Isaiah Thomas, the man who built his career on making people who doubt him look stupid.

Are The Nets Picks Building Blocks or Ammunition?

The Celtics are set to receive their third infusion of Nets-subsidized talent this offseason, and it projects to be the most impactful one yet. James Young will likely go down as a high-upside swing that failed (for better or for worse). Jaylen Brown looks capable and promising, but All-Star aspirations for him are a hope, not a given. This year’s pick swap hopes to net (no pun intended) the Celtics the blue-chip prospect that they’ve missed on during their last few lottery trips. This is how many other teams see this as well, and several teams with all-stars are rumored to be open for business if the Celtics are willing to put that pick on the table. Most level-headed Celtics fans acknowledge the Celtics are 1-3 steps removed from contention without injury aid, and the internal debate seems to be whether the Celtics should aim to utilize the primes of their best current players (Al Horford, Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder) to reach for that contention now, or patiently (and without guarantee) trade those peak years for a more conservative, youth oriented approach.
Aiming to contend right away makes things pretty straight forward. In those instances the Celtics should prioritize attaining large infusion of talent over the next year and rely on the avenues that will make those most viable. For example, cap space remaining open for 2016 will allow for the chasing of big free agent acquisitions. Tossing the Brooklyn picks into deals for free agents would get the Celtics the big boy seat at any trade talk table.
However, if you think the Celtics have the opportunity to build something rare and lasting through the draft, you might be considering what the point in holding onto win-now pieces like IT and Horford would be. Maybe, you consider moving them for less polished, yet younger pieces, even though it might affect how the team is viewed. Moving Al, in particular, would raise questions about what kind of a team detonates their squad after a big free agent signing.
Maybe you’re someone who thinks that everyone gets that this is a business and there would be no hard feelings over tough decisions. Maybe, instead you’re a big advocate for Bill Simmons’ “secret” of basketball and think that a team needs continuity and chemistry to hold their roster together. Either way, the Celtics are going to makes decisions with these Nets picks over the next two years, and it’s largely going to be influenced on which iteration of the team they think is going to have the best chance to win.

What Should The Celtics Obligation to This Year’s Current Team Be?

The future tense is all well and fine, but at what point do the Celtics owe it to their current squad (a team with an outside shot at have two rounds worth of home court advantage) to be the best they can be? Players get hurt, teams catch bad match-ups and other lucky things can happen that determine a championship. Given that the Celtics would need more luck than most pseudo contenders to reach the promised land, but matchups are everything in the playoffs and the Celtics have the personnel to give most top teams that aren’t the Cavs and Jazz a lot of trouble.
The other side of that coin is the sad truth that this Celtics squad is facing some very long odds to be considered championship hopefuls, and buying support for this squad based on injury luck might be akin to making a bet at the roulette table on your way to cash out of the casino. You’re already coming out ahead, so why try to have it all? The next Celtics championship is very likely to not be this squad, so why not save those second round draft picks for a time when they might be able to contribute to that championship run?
You might think the Celtics should use picks to go get a rebounder or wing shooting. You might think the Celtics should hold tough and just let this team suffer an expected (but disappointing) second round loss in the interest of defending assets. Whatever your take, the Celtics spending habits in the next month will likely point to how the FO feels about this team’s shot.

What Does It Mean?

Once you’ve answered the questions, you’re ready to put together a trade profile for yourself. Let’s take me, for example. Here’s where I fall on these big questions discussed above:

• I think there’s a path for the Celtics to be a championship contender with a bonafide max free agent and an extra move or two.
• I think the Celtics shouldn’t trade any Nets picks before draft night. Nothing big is likely to change and the team will have more information then. The DVE has made some of the in season trades more impotent anyway, so it’s unlikely for the Celtics to be getting a home run trade out of an in-season Nets pick trade. If the Celtics still don’t have another big name after FA, then the Nets picks can be loosened a bit, but there’s not a great reason to do
• I love IT and think he can be a max year contract guy for at least 3 years, so I would want to make a run at maximizing the cap space this year before we lose space to IT, Smart and Bradley’s cap holds.
• The Celtics have enough talent stashed and in the pipeline with drafts that I think it’s worth parting with some minor assets in case LeBron’s cyborg “Check Engine” light comes on, and/or Draymond kicks Eric Gordon’s wedding tackle off in Round 3.

These points means I’m going to be focusing on trades that centralize on preserving or adding to cap space and flexibility in the 2017 off season and trade deadline. I think that this is probably going to be the gameplan for the Celtics front office going forward, so I think it makes a lot of sense to consider that when thinking about trades. That said, I’m also willing to move minor assets for a little bit of help. The extra “two-way” D-League roster spots will be helpful, but Abdel Nader has been surprisingly effective, and the Celtics are projected to have three 2nd round picks going forward. As a matter of fact, let’s take a look at the pick situation.

Projected Picks	First Rounders	2nd Rounders
2017	BRK	MIN, LAC, CLE
2018	BRK, BOS	BOS (owed to OKC, but protected 31-55)
2019	BOS, LAC (Lottery Protected), MEM (Protected 1-8)	BOS (owed to MEM, but protected 31-55), DET
2020	BOS	BOS, MIA

That’s the end of my trade spiel, but if you’d like to hang around, I’ve got some trades that I think could help the Celtics achieve (what I believe to be) their aims of getting better this season for low end draft assets, redundant pieces, and maintaining their flexibility for the 2016 offseason with Griffin, Hayward, Millsap, and Kevin Durant, oh god I’m sorry please don’t yell at me.

Trade 1: Andrew Bogut for Tyler Zeller and Sweeteners

The Trade	BOS	DAL
Receives	Andrew Bogut	Tyler Zeller, 2017 MIN 2nd and/or other second round draft sweeteners

This one has been kicked around so much that it’s nearing parody, but part of the reason for that is because it makes a lot of sense. The Celtics get expiring-contract help to shore up the rebounding and rim protection and the Mavs get compensation for a warm body during a lost tank season. Maybe the Mavs want his bird rights, but I think they are beginning to understand the writing on the wall, and throwing money at an aging, oft-injured guy is usually ill advised. Bogut, a very good big passer, would also be a good fit for the Celtics “hit the paint and kick out” system.

Trade 2: PJ Tucker for Tyler Zeller and Sweeteners

The Trade	BOS	PHX
Receives	PJ Tucker	Tyler Zeller, 2017 MIN 2nd and/or other second round draft sweeteners

Now’s probably a good time to explain that you should probably get used to seeing Zeller’s name. His hefty salary and status as a non-rotation player mean that he will be in a lot of these trades. This trade would make the Celtics smaller, but Tucker has the same kind of strength and “fuck you” attitude that we see from Jae Crowder, allowing him to plug holes across three different positions. He’s having a brutal shooting year, but given the spacing of the bench and the brutal defensive stints that Gerald Green has had this year, he could shore up some of the wing depth issues the Celtics have. Players like Tucker command some value, however, and I could see other top teams bidding for his skills. Maybe more than makes sense for the Celtics to give up...

Trade 3: Will Barton for Tyler Zeller and REAL Sweeteners

The Trade	BOS	DEN
Receives	William Norman Barton	Tyler Zeller, 2019 LAC 1st, Celtics 2018 1st, MIN 2nd

Here is one of the weirder trades I could come up with. Denver finds themselves in a “not-unsimilar” situation to what the Celtics have been, flush with young assets, and capable vets on good contracts, but quickly running out of roster spots. Barton has a year left on his mondo cheap deal after this one, in which he will be in line for a substantial raise. Denver has Gary Harris, Jamal Murray, Danilo Gallanari, and Wilson Chandler all set to receive large helpings of wing minutes, to say nothing of their two first round picks coming in. Everyone is under contract for multiple years, so it makes sense for Denver to make paying Barton someone else’s problem while collecting a healthy trove of assets for his nifty contract. The Celtics get a scoring wing whose tiny contract can easily be accounted around. Even though taking on 2017-18 salary is a cardinal sin during this trade deadline, Barton is the rare player on a contract low enough for the Celtics to find creative accounting measures (stash Yabu an extra year, waive Jackson and/or Mickey) to keep him and maintain maximum cap space. Barton is an excellent 6th man type scorer, good shooter, has the requisite size to plug the Celtics wing hole, and the quickness to give Brad some lineup flexibility. What’s more, Barton would hit the market when the Celtics were totally capped out anyway. The two first round picks are deceiving, because protections and high win projections make them less valuable, but it would still be a good haul for a guy who only 1 ⅓ years left on his contact. What’s more, the Celtics would have his Bird Rights to hold a talented core together.

Trade #4: Serge Ibaka and Mario Hezonja for Avery Bradly and (sigh) Tyler Zeller and a pick

The Trade	BOS	ORL
Receives	Serge Ibaka, Mario Hezonja	Avery Bradley, Tyler Zeller, 2019 LAC pick (or sweeten with picks to taste)

This is the trade most likely to get me yelled at in the comments, and I admit at first blush, trading Avery Bradley’s cheap-o deal for an expiring contract isn’t a great look. But you have to give something to get something, and Ibaka fit the Celtics for a lot of different reasons. He’s a very good big shooter, capable rebounder, and an excellent rim protector to put next to Horford’s great shot blocking. The Celtics would be dealing Bradley a year early for value and to avoid a sticky 2018 situation where they will have to pay major money to two of their three main guards. Since Thomas returned from injury on December 16th, the Celtics have a nearly identical PPP differential with Smart on the floor as Thomas’s partner (+0.061) as compared to Bradley (+.058) per NBAwowy.com with a fair portion coming in starts since Bradley has been out. Smart is also a more capable standalone PG, with the team netting a +0.148 rating in the 418 possessions when Smart was on the floor with IT or AB, compared to a -0.074 for the team in the 217 poss when Bradley played without Smart or IT.
This means I lean toward Bradley being the most tradeable of the guards, which is a little strange, because many of the league reports I’ve seen have Bradley as more of a commodity than Smart. I feel that Bradley should headline any trade packages where a member of the core is involved, especially given that his value seems.
This deal with Orlando gives the Celtics a shot to look at a damaged scoring prospect in Mario Hezonja, who’s found himself glued to the bench for much of his time in Orlando. I’ve got to say that I’d like to see what the ‘Brad Stevens juvenation machine’ could do for him. This trade would require Orlando to eat a little crow on their deal offseason for Serge, as they aren’t getting the return that they sent out to acquire him in Victor Oladipo and the 11th pick. However, Bradley gives them some bonafide backcourt talent that they had been badly lacking. AB doesn’t need the ball, so you can still pursue PG (deepest positions in the league) to flesh out your rotation, but he can also play next to Evan Fournier if you want to move Never Google to the 2. The Magic get a solid return on an expiring deal and a prospect they seemed to have soured on.
The Celtics get out ahead of a problem that would have materialized in 2018, get to see what an Ibaka Horford frontcourt looks like, and regain some Nets pick trade leverage for teams who were tripling down on them not being able to use the pick due to the large amount of guards atop the draft. They get a former top-5 draft pick and wing prospect, and most importantly, further flexibility in the 2017 offseason. The Celtics will have the bird rights to Ibaka, so if they whiff on top level free agents, they will be able to bring Ibaka back without it costing Kelly Olynyk, Jonas Jerbko, or other free agents the Celtics might have had to renounce to sign him. Ibaka’s cap hold will also only be $18M which stands to be less than he might command on the open market. The Celtics could generate a little more cap space wiggle room (not much, but it might be important) by agreeing to terms with him and then signing a deal with him after handling all the other business. All of this, come without the Celtics having to cost themselves a bite at the Blake Griffin or Kevin Durant apple as Ibaka will be a UFA. Ibaka could possibly walk before the Celtics get their business done the Celtics would be sans Bradley with nothing but Mario Hezonja to show for it, but Ibaka would likely agree to hang around for a couple of days if you offer to pay him handsomely when you strike out, and I think that kind of backstop would be worth the risk, particularly when you pair it with an ability to retain impact players like Kelly Olynyk.
This would be more of a risk, but if you are planning on giving Avery Bradley 20M+ in 2018 when it’s time to pay IT and Smart, the worst case scenario of this plan isn’t that much different.

TL;DR

Trade season can be a lot of fun, and you can save yourself some hassle by figuring out where you stand on big picture team questions. IT’s 2018 payday, the Nets picks, and 2016-17 Celtics squad’s chance are all factors you should consider when constructing your own trades. Also, I put some at the bottom. Apologies to Robert Covington, whom I couldn’t find a good trade for.

I've been provided the following summary by a guy who is contemplating investing in FF. He has a lot of experience in the area, and his thoughts raise a few questions which I'd like to see addressed by the FunFair development team, so if you guys are around, would be good to get your take on the following (apologies for formatting, paragraphs not showing up for some reason):
"Funfair at that price is still a good buy. Look people love gambling online, the concept is fantastic and ultimately could be a huge winner but I have some concerns.
The people running it are still a limited corporation right with the ultimate aim being to make money, they don't pretend otherwise and thats to their credit.
The potential risks are, in this order, user experience and adoption. You can't get supreme user experience without adoption and ultimately historical user data and you can't get adoption without ongoing usage.
I'll list what I feel their - huge - challenges are:
There are some serious players in the online gambling space that offer b2b platforms. Playtech essentially provides the software for all the casino, bingo, slots and poker platforms of the likes of Paddy Power, William, Coral, Mansion, Bet365, Gala, 888, Titan, Ladbroke, Betfred and a shit ton of others.
Microgaming would be their closest competitors - they have Unibet, Nordicbet, BetVictor and a ton of others.
There are others that have been before, and been very good but closed down due to being unable to keep market share of were simply bought out. It's an incredibly competitive space.
Playtech and Microgaming develop and maintain solutions that are then licensed to their clients on multi year, multi million dollar contracts. That's the space Funfair wants to operate in. They will not offer live services, their business model is to license their platform to others.
The question here is, who do they license to? All the big players are already tied up with the two noted service providers above - or run their own proprietary software like Stars/Tilt/Party.
The noted above essentially rules out the top 15 online gambling operators that account for well over 95% of the market. The others feed on their scraps, and ultimately profit out of regulation dodging.
I worked in online gaming for many years, in marketing then development then operations and localisation and back to marketing. I started in 2002 and spent a lot of time going back and forth to Costa Rica and other mental locations working with the likes of Titan, CD, Bodog, Absolute, UB and Microgaming before moving to Full Tilt full time in LA, Vancouver and Dublin from 2005 to 2011.
I seen online gambling come out of nowhere in a completely unregulated space and explode, I was there when compliance and regulatory bodies were Indian reservations in Canada and also saw and lived through the real regulation slowly creep in and one swoop wipe 40%+ value off companies overnight or even cripple companies along the way, all for the good of the Vegas casinos btw, absolute scumbags.
The one thing that I had a lot of insight to was user numbers, user experience and player behaviour and retention across a very very large period of time so the sample data is huge. Full Tilt and Stars were trading blows in late 08 to late 09 in what was an insane period of traffic potentially hitting 125,000 users online at any given time on both networks, that was just poker.
On casino, slots and bingo, the peak network numbers were approximately 60,000 at any given time on the big sites. But that wasn't consistent wagering. I believe it's dropped significantly since I vacated the industry. Skinned sites could make their owners a comfortable living on <1000 users, again though a lot of skins still get their licensing certification from fake regulatory bodies in Kahnawake, or Panama.
The "legit" businesses are all regulated by either Isle Of Man, UK, Malta or Alderney gaming commissions.
If they're a multi country facing operation, and are not regulated by one of the above - chances are they're operating illegally with no proof of customer funds being held in escrow.
There are of course country specific regulations such as in France and Italy where you can only operate online gambling legally by offering it as a separate player pool as your main offering so that only players in that geographical location can play on the country specific platform, no one from the outside can play in it and no one in the country can play on non country specific networks. They audit the software, as much as they're allowed to, and sign off on changes before it goes live. That regulation model is spreading at a huge rate.
The regulation is crazy. I worked a lot on the license applications at Tilt in France and Italy and it was absolutely insane the hoops that had to be jumped through just to get a sub par product on the market.
The reason I bring up regulation in so much depth is because all the b2b suppliers specified above will not offer the software to anyone without the correct licensing in place, and that needs to be provided in advance pre any agreement being signed. So all the "big boys" have licenses to operate in all their jurisdictions legally.
What happens then is because the b2b suppliers have the comfort that these operators have invested all the time, money and effort into obtaining legal licensing on all these markets, they know they're serious and have subsequently got them tied up to long term deals which makes them ultimately unavailable for the likes of funfair to market to.
Don't forget it's not also just about the technology, it has to be a great visual user experience.
That's a big problem because it only leaves rogue or lightly regulated operators as the people funfair could realistically license to, which is never going to encourage widespread adoption.
Its with that in mind that I feel the only potential for the funfair technology to really take off as a main player is to be absorbed by Playtech or Microgaming (or Stars) to introduce the technology into their own offerings OR they come out with a serious marketing budget and play the " how do you know you're not being cheated" card and create such a worldwide buzz in the industry with technology of total transparency that they create a 2.0 bubble, but in my conversations with them directly and with the research I've done, they're holding back on complete transparency - at least for now.
It's interesting for sure, I'll invest in the upcoming - primarily because I do believe in Ethereum significantly as a framework, but not sure for how much."

It's time to get back in the saddle and bet on the major European competitions, because this weekend promises to be truly spectacular. Some players have closed the gap separating them from the leading pack and are trying to secure a berth in a continental tournament next year. At the top of the standings, the best ones try to wrap things up and win the domestic championship, while keeping the runners-up at bay. The result is a plethora of games that are worth betting on and the fact that the most important bookmakers have inflated the odds is a solid incentive. Betfair encourages customers to take advantage of the both teams to score ACCA insurance and have the odds increased to 4/1 regardless of what leagues and teams they choose to bet on. What makes this promotion special is that you don't need to open a new account and existing members also qualify, as long as they opt in for this campaign before wagering. Paddy Power has several such campaigns running in parallel and all of them are aimed at maximizing the return on investment for those who participate. The difference between this bookmaker and the one listed above is that only new customers are eligible for the bonuses. For example, if you bet on Barcelona Manchester City and PSG to prevail over the weekend, you will enjoy odds of 14/1, which is more than three times the standard odds. Just as impressive are the odds offered for the Derby of England, as Arsenal and Liverpool lock horns in London and both the draw and a home win will result in odds of 10/1. Those who are confident in Liverpool's ability of prevailing away from home, will be granted odds of 12/1 which is truly spectacular value. Just when you thought that things couldn't possibly get better than that, know that the 12/1 Euro Saturday ACCA does exactly what the name suggests and offers odds of 12/1. Basically, you will have to bet on Bayern Munich, Chelsea, Juventus and Manchester United all to win their games. Last but definitely not least BetVictor is presenting new customers with a reason to sign up, especially if they plan on betting on Arsenal to defeat Liverpool. The maximum acceptable stake consists of €5 but the odds have been boosted to 7/1, so players could still win a decent amount.
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This is a great weekend for those who enjoy betting on English football in general and the Premier League matches in particular. Bookmakers are scrambling to offer tempting promotions and bonuses to all those who open a new account or place real money wagers. These campaigns range from cash prizes and free bets to reimbursements on those wagers that end up losing. BetVictor is offering boosting odds on several Premier League matches, including the less prominent confrontation between Arsenal and Newcastle. Those who place a wager on this game and predict that Arsenal will prevail, will enjoy odds of 4/1, but only new members qualify for this campaign. Ladbrokes is running its very own promotion this weekend, with the bookmaker encouraging punters to bet on several games at the same time. Not only the odds are multiplied as a result, but if one selection loses, the player will have the stakes reimbursed in the form of a free bet. Accumulator bets are also very profitable if you wager with Bet365 and this bookmaker has expanded its promotion to include Serie A, Primera Liga, Bundesliga 1 or Champions League in addition to the English first flight. The highlight of the weekend is without a doubt the match between Manchester United and Liverpool and it is Paddy Power who makes the most tempting proposition. Signing up with his bookmaker will result in players enjoying odds of 11/2 for Man Utd to beat Liverpool on Sunday. If you hope to win more money and have a couple of games in mind, don't hesitate to take the bookie on its Premier League Acca offer for new customers. Wagering on Chelsea, Man City and Man Utd all to win will result in odds of 10/1. Betfair is one of the most popular betting exchanges and those who hope to cash in on better odds usually find a home here. This weekend alone, the bookmaker is offering odds of 3/1 for Chelsea to outshine Hull and new customers will also have their stakes refunded if they happen to lose this initial wager. The other match that is generously covered by the online gambling operator is the one between Arsenal and Newcastle. The hosts are overwhelming favorite to prevent, therefore the odds are not impressive but if you open an account with Betfair you can bump them to a massive value of 4/1.
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Another 14 on the site in the reloads section but the ones I added today are at the top of this list.
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Anyway, I hope this helped some of you, I will add more each day as I find them and happy matched betting!
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Most of these have been on the site for a few hours, I will add more as I find them. Enjoy!

No subscription required, no sign up, all offers are 100% free and open to everyone.
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Starter Offers
Let me know if you want them breaking down or simply the link to them all.
http://easy-matched-betting.co.uk/category/offers/starter
Advanced Offers
Let me know if you want them breaking down or simply the link to them all.
http://easy-matched-betting.co.uk/category/offers/advanced
Casino Offers
Let me know if you want them breaking down or simply the link to them all.
http://easy-matched-betting.co.uk/category/offers/casino
Current Reloads - time sensitive
http://easy-matched-betting.co.uk/category/offers/reloads

• Unibet Football Boost – £10
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• 888sport Football – £5 Free Bet
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Enjoy and I will be back with more soon.

Had it been 1990 and not 2026 communicating with my dick would have involved long distance charges. But that was just nostalgia and the shrooms talking. After fifteen years without a shave and a meal under a thousand greasy calories I had at long last come out of my 99th nervous breakdown four months ago.
Brown rice and organic sauerkraut with a teaspoon of miso was all I had been eating for the past 120 days and I was chewing each mouthful a hundred times. The pounds were melting as fast the remaining ten miles of polar ice caps. I was hoping to see my cock without the aid of a mirror before Brooklyn was six feet under sea level. I had read on google that hanging yourself often resulted in the complete evacuation of one's bowels so I figured it was only polite not to submit some poor EMT to a noseful of three day old Micky-D's shit.
Either way I was tripping my balls off. I hadn't dosed since 1992 and my doors of perception had just been blown off their rusty hinges.
"Trippin...."
"Who said that?"
"The man in the mirror..."
"I was born at night but not last night."
"Stop talking to yourself Krafty."
"I would if you'd shut the fuck up old man."
"Cops are coming."
"Why? We're not getting evicted till next week and I'll hang myself first."
"Better go look in the mirror laughing boy..."
I sighed. It was inevitable. I was 59. That was fucking enough failure for me. And with Donald Trump having been CEO of USA Inc. since 2016 I did not relish the thought of a corporate debtor's prison. When I said billionaire or bust back in 2007 I wasn't fucking kidding. And in the last 19 years I had managed to lose fourteen million dollars of my own and my best friend's money. My backup plan's backup had always been Chapter 7 but thanks to The Donald that was no longer a possibility. And with the country two years into The Greater Recession getting that final round of financing had proven impossible. My patents would be expiring by the end of the decade and I was getting too old to re-enter the workforce.
So..., to the Bat-Mirror. I approached with my senior blues wide shut. Tentatively I cupped an eye and took a sneak peek between two fingers.
"Motherfucker!"
"I need you bro."
"Corky?"
"Come to Atlantic City. Tomorrow night. The New Trump Casino. The Green Room. Midnight. Bring fourteen thousand dollars. Casheesh."
"What the fuck?!?!?!"
"I need you bro."
I removed my hands and manned up. But it was too late. Corky was gone. Corky had been my best friend from nine to eighteen. And then the day we were supposed to graduate high school in 1985 he never showed up. Just disappeared into the ether. No note. No nothing. And Corky's Dad Donald was found modeling that year's Colombian necktie in the bedroom mirror. It was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. The culmination of a misspent youth that I surely would not have survived if Corky had not saved my ass that sunny day in 1976 when Scott Jackson hit me in the head with a rock in Prospect Park and was going to finish the job with an even bigger rock.
Corky was a big kid. He was 5'10" in the fifth grade and he dressed like a Hell's Angel. He was cutting school that day and sauntered right up to Scott who was sitting on my chest and holding a big rock over his head looking like he was going to end me.
"Whatchoo gonna do with that rock? Voodoo?"
"Beat it white boy before I kick yo' ass too."
Corky bent down and lifted the rock over his head with Scott still attached.
"You been reading Lord of the Flies homes?"
"Fuck you white boy! Put me down 'fore you catch a beat down."
Corky accomodated Scott. He hurled the rock back to terra firma with Scott still attached to it bouncing it off his head. It made a sickening crack that sounded like the Channel Eleven Yule Log.
"Sorry Piggy."
Then apparently dissatisfied with his work he tried tried again until Scott Jackson was one with the Prospect Park lawn. Me and my then best friend Aaron Farbman just watched in shock. When it was over Aaron farted and then vomited. Corky wiped some blood specks off his face with the back of his hand and offered me a cigarette. I figured it was a good time to become a Marlboro Man.
As fate would have it it turned out that Corky not only saved me from a stoning he was also a neighbor. His father Donald had taken the apartment Aaron used to live in just one floor below me. Aaron's mom had married up and they had moved into a brownstone while I lingered behind with my psychotic mother on welfare and food stamps. Such was life.
Corky's dad was the angriest deadhead I'd ever met but he let Corky do whatever he wanted and what Corky wanted was never ending reefer fueled mischief. After Corky moved in it wasn't long before I stopped getting my ass kicked every day by all the usual suspects. He sort of adopted me as his brother and considering his apartment had color television and a fridge full of food and mine only had my psychotic mother who was I to argue with fate?
By the time I was thirteen we were smoking an ounce a week, tripping on shrooms and acid and fucking high school chicks. Corky was tall enough for the NBA by the eighth grade although he had long since stopped showing up for school.
"Don't need a diploma where I'm going...," he'd always say.
I never pressed him on it. There was something severely off in his entire family but since my family was more twisted than a Jew For Jesus I just let it go.
Meanwhile back in the mirror my face was alternately aging from 59 to 80 and back to 17 and then back through my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s leaving me with temporal whiplash.
"It's all relative and your relatives are psychotic," I heard my voice say.
Last week I had found my father fingerpainting his bedroom walls with his own shit.
"Who's that supposed to be? Nixon?"
"It's all bullshit Izzy."
Turns out my father had Alzheimer's and Renal failure and without insurance or any money it looked like he'd be dead sooner rather than later. My younger half-brother had committed suicide last year at the age of 43 and at the funeral I had seen my ex-stepmother BettyJo Lemongello for the first time in 25 years.
"It's all your fault Izzy."
"Nice to see you again, BettyJo."
"You don't like me very much. Do you?"
"That's not true. I just feel better when you're not around."
I cracked my neck and checked my bank account. I had a little over fourteen thousand dollars left and then I was destitute. I hadn't paid alimony to either of my ex-wives in six months and I figured I'd send them an email to pick up their back pay right before I offed myself. Sometimes you gotta stick it to the woman.
"Atlantic City huh? Saturday nite? Fuck it!"
I owed Corky. After all we were blood brothers. I'll never remember that night when we were thirteen. We were hanging out in the speakeasy in our apartment building's basement listening to Dogs by Pink Floyd. We cut our fingers mixing blood and then signed our names in crimson on a legal contract I had hastily drawn up before the acid kicked in stipulating that we were now blood brothers for life, come hell or high water, etc. etc. We had then hidden the document in the speakeasy's ceiling somewhere that I can no longer recollect.
The speakeasy was our secret clubhouse and for the longest time nobody else knew about it. At least not until we became sexually active at which point many a Brooklyn cushette had been blindfolded and sworn to secrecy never to divulge the whereabout or wheretofores of our anti-prohibition getaway.
You had to walk down a long dark chilly hall to get to it. We had discovered it one day when we were 14. We had been tripping and exploring the building's nether regions when Corky had said something rude about my crush Shawna McGee and I had pushed him into the wall.
And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. It would have freaked me out even if I wasn't tripping. I screamed his name.
"Holy fuck dude!"
"Corky?!?!?"
"You gotta check this shit out!!!!"
"Where are you?!?!?!"
And then just like that Corky was back.
"It's a fucking hidden door!"
We had gone back to his apartment to get his father's flashlight. It was an old hidden room that bootleggers had used to stash The Real McCoy. We were like pigs in shit. We found old fedoras, a Victor Victrola, an old radio, a few revolvers and an old lamp that was shaped like a showgirl's gams.
And that was how we found our secret clubhouse. We had marked the opposite wall with glow in the dark paint in a Yin/Yang symbol and I had spent many a week living there when my psycho mom would throw me out and my dad and BettyJo wanted nothing to do with me. I had lost my virginity in there. We had decorated it like a hippie den and it was everything a secret speakeasy for teenagers in the early 80s should have been.
But the day Corky disappeared and Donald was found dead it disappeared. I tried to find it, really I did. I was sure I'd find Corky in there hiding out with his father's blood on his hands muttering some Oedipal shit but that speakeasy just vanished from this dimension. Suffice to say I left for college and never came back. I had always hoped Corky would surface somehow somewhere but he never did. Not even a postcard. Eventually I thought about him less and less but I never forgot him.
When Google became a thing I tried to find him but it was as if he had never existed. It was almost like I dreamed the whole thing. I say almost because while I may have been a failure in marriage and business I was not prone to delusions. Well maybe of grandeur but not the hallucinatory kind that get you committed. Maybe life would have been easier had I just gone bugfuck looney tunes but that just wasn't my style.
...
I had stopped tripping with the sunrise and had managed to get a solid seven hours sleep. I stumbled out of the bed too take a piss and that's when it hit me. For the first time in 16 years I could see my dick. Something was definitely up. Or somethings I should say.
"Did I hallucinate that shit?" I wondered aloud.
Later that night I put on a twenty year old pair of Levis that fit like it was 2006. I went to the ATM and withdrew $14,000.00. My bank account now contained the princely sum of thirty-three dollars and thirty-three cents. I grabbed a driverless Uber and headed to Atlantic City.
Atlantic City hadn't changed much since I'd been there last in 1991. Same old chain smoking blue haired mustachioed ladies betting their social security checks on the slots. Cept now they were vaping. It took a while but I finally found the Green Room at 11:59 pm.
I was thinking I probably imagined the whole fucking thing when two giant hamhocks grabbed my shoulders.
"Whatup Izzy?!?!!?!?!?!?"
I was lifted three feet in the air and I was face to face with all seven feet of Corky Clay.
"It was you you motherfucker."
Corky got me in a bear hug and I said, "Can't breathe."
I was eased down ever so gently to terra firma and Corky said, "Did you bring the money?"
"It's my last fourteen grand dude."
"Yeah, but you were gonna kill yourself anyway so what's the big diff?"
"How'd you know that?"
"Nevermind. We gotta hit the roulette wheel."
As I double-timed it to keep up with Corky's big strides I said, "What the fuck happened to you dude?"
"Whaddya mean?"
"I mean after graduation you disappeared and Donald was decapitated."
"Fuck that prick. He wasn't even my real dad."
"Is that why you always called him, 'Donald?'"
"No. I called him Donald cause he looked like a fucking duck."
"He did, didn't he?"
We got to the roulette wheel and Corky put out his giant hand.
"Dude. After this I am officially destitute. I won't even be able to afford to get home to off myself."
"I need you bro."
I hesitated.
"Have I ever fucked you over dude?"
I dug in my sports jacket and fished out my net worth and placed it in his hand. Corky turned it into chips and then bet it all on 33 black. The croupier closed the wheel for betting and we watched it spin. I felt big beads of sweat break out on my forehead. I realized I hadn't been laid in a decade and I had been planning to find a whore for my last night on Planet Earth. I sighed thinking the best laid plans...
"33 black wins!"
I felt my jaw come unhinged. I shook my head. People applauded. An hour later we were in the penthouse suite snorting lines of coke off asian hooker titties.
"I think I'm still tripping..."
Corky reached in his MC jacket and tossed a bag of shrooms on the glass coffee table.
"No, but you will be."
"Dude. I don't understand any of this."
"You're my brother. And you were there in my time of need. What's there to understand?"
"But how? And where the fuck did you disappear to? You know the speakeasy disappeared too..."
"Mmmm. Yes and no."
"Care to elaborate Captain Opaque?"
"I been living in the Great Depression for the past forty years."
"Yeah right."
"Fine. Don't believe me."
"Doing what?"
"Yeah, doing what?" one of the hookers asked.
"Pimping whores for Capone."
"We eating these shrooms big guy?"
"Do asian hookers love blow?"
The next afternoon they tried to lure us back to the tables but Corky said, "Your Dad is gonna die without a kidney transplant."
"You know about that too?"
"Come on. We gotta bring this casheesh to the hospital."
A few hours later we were in one of the last yellow cabs sporting an actual flesh and blood driver cruising down Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn.
"This is yours if you blow every red light to Coney Island Hospital," Corky said waving ten Benjis in front of the driver's face.
The driver snatched the carrot and put the pedal to the metal.
"You better buckle up bro," Corky said buckling his safety belt.
I followed suit and ten seconds later our driver hit an Uber car head on. The sound of crunching metal and shattered glass was punctuated with the decapitated head of BettyJo Lemongello landing in my lap.
"BettyJo?!?!?!"
Corky got on his smart phone and said, "Throw that shit out the window."
...
"The transplant was successful, Mr. Schreiber. Your father is going to pull through."
"Thank you Doctor."
I looked at Corky. He half-smiled.
"What?"
"We got a couple of stops left."
"Huh? Where?"
"Just follow me."
Two hours later with a hundred grand in uncut diamonds we were standing in front of our old apartment building on Union Street.
"Look familiar?"
"Dude. This is so fucked up."
"Whatever little man."
Corky took a flashlight out of his MC jacket and we went back into the building we ran wild in so many years ago. Corky rang every apartment bell until somebody buzzed us in. A few minutes later we were back in the nether regions of the basement.
"Push me Izzy."
"Why?"
"Cause its time we went back to the speakeasy."
I pushed. And then Corky was gone. Vanished into thin air. I screamed his name.
"Corky?!?!?"
"You gotta check this shit out!!!!"
"Where are you?!?!?!"
And then just like that Corky was back.
"It's a fucking hidden door!"
"Dude. You're young again."
Corky's big arm gave a yank and then we were back in the speakeasy. It was just the way we left it in 1985.
"Say, 'wake me up before you go-go.'"
"What?"
And then Corky's big fist punched me in the face and I remembered no more. Eventually I came to.
"Daddy. Wake up. You said we'd go to watch the ball drop at Times Square."
"Yes, honey. You promised the kids."
"Michelle! Is that you?"
"Who else would it be?"
"Daddy. Is it really a new millennium?"
"Yes honey," Michelle said soothing the little girl's hair that was the same color as mind. "Today is the last day of the 20th century."
I reached in my pocket and found a handful of uncut diamonds.
I hadn't seen Michelle since she caught me in bed senior year with her best friend Carmella and told me she'd never speak to me again. I had missed her ever since.
I looked around surveying the scene. I appeared to be in a swanky penthouse apartment. I found a mirror and took a reluctant peak from between two fingers. It appeared I was 33 again. Hmmm.
"I don't believe this shit, Michelle."
"Yeah, I know. How crazy is the end of the Twentieth Century?"
The doorbell rang. Michelle kissed me.
A voice I had last heard 27 years ahead said, "Who's ready to party like it's 1999?"
I turned my head to see a not so gentle giant dressed to the nines in tux and tails.
"Corky?!?!?!"
"You were maybe expecting BettyJo Lemongello?"
I grabbed Michelle by the hand and began pulling her towards a big bedroom I spied at the end of an even bigger marble hallway.
"Yo! Where you going bro? It's New Year's Eve."
"I just remembered. I haven't had my pipes cleaned since 2011."